Reflections of a Working Mother

By Charis Wong

Photo Credits: Charis Wong

The myth of the working mother is that you can have it all – an intense career that requires you to always be switched on and ready to take a call from a client 24/7, a good relationship with your husband and children, the latter of which involves you being present for every precious milestone that flies by never to return, and a house that is spick and span and automatically cleans up after itself. Oh – and let’s not forget a vibrant social life, some form of community service/ministry and 8 hours of sleep.

It’s perhaps because most of us have bought into this myth that we are so often dissatisfied and disillusioned.

In the first couple of months after I returned to work from maternity, I was torn and divided, everywhere and nowhere. Perhaps subconsciously, I had bought into this myth. I felt the need to maximize every minute – I would cab to the office, do work on the cab, and even in the stillness of the ungodly hours of the morning whilst putting my crying baby to sleep, I sometimes found my mind drifting to think about how best to frame a narrative or to craft a legal submission. When I was with my baby, I felt the need to be a full-on always-excited mother, eager to maximize every opportunity for connection with my baby. Except relationships don’t work like that. And neither does life.

The realisation gradually crept in: “You can’t have it all.” In a world where time and energy are scarce commodities, something’s got to give. This should be no surprise to most of us. Anyone who has done Economics in Junior College would have learnt the basic economic problem of scarcity – the gap between limited resources and theoretically limitless wants. Working from home (WFH) has in some ways made it more possible to balance different roles and responsibilities than before. But it doesn’t solve the root problem. Sure, you can be in more than two places at once, but there is still only one of you to go around.

I’ve learnt that this season in life requires me to make sacrifices, or put another way, choices between competing wants. In an ideal world, I would devote significant hours and energies to honing my craft as a disputes lawyer. I would also be an active, present mother, who spends quantity and not just quality time with my children.

Except this is not an ideal world, and we have to make do with what we have. For me, I knew I wanted to continue practising law because it dovetails my passion, purpose, and giftings – a rare trinity in the oft-disillusioned working world. But I also knew that my child is young only for a time, and I wanted to be there for her during these impressionable and formative years. The lack of coordinated rest days with my husband was also an issue – he works in church and his rest day is on Mondays. If this persisted, it wouldn’t have been great for our marriage or family life.

So, I decided to put in a request to cut back on my workload and working hours. I told Ee Yang (the Managing Director of the firm) that I’d like to work part-time if possible. It would have been a career-killing move in most other firms – taking maternity only to work part-time a couple of months later? Thankfully, however, this is not most other firms, and we’ve managed to come to an arrangement that works.

Knowing that I can’t have it all and that I must make choices between unlimited and oft-competing wants, has made life so much more livable. I’ve felt freer and more able to be present in the moment.

Of the multiple responsibilities and roles one has been tasked with, the question of “what gives” is a question only one can answer for oneself. It’s a choice that only one can make, underpinned by the “why” that only one can answer, so that when the going gets tough, one remembers it is one who has made the choices, and why.

The question “why” should not be quickly brushed away. Neither can it be dictated by the norms and pressures of the current age – oh everyone works this number of hours and even stays at home to take care of children in this day and age anyway – nor the rules of routine and predictability – I’ve always worked 50-hour weeks, it’d be odd if I worked anything less. It is a question that demands serious thought.

I’ve found that it’s a question best answered with the perspective of time – what makes sense in 10, 20 years, and I dare say, eternity.

As I say all these, I’m fully cognisant that choice is a luxury, and many simply don’t have the luxury of choosing to cut back on their working hours, or the family support to consider leaving their young children while they work.

This brings me to the second aspect of the Working Mother myth – that you can do it alone. To put it simply, you can’t. They say it takes a village to raise a child. But it also takes a village to run a file, or to make “work” work. A common trope in award speeches involves the awardee starting the speech with “I couldn’t have done this without the support of …” And it’s so true.

I’ve had the privilege of the most understanding husband and father to my child, and supportive parents and parents-in-law who take great care of my daughter whilst I’m at work, freeing my mind to be fully present at work. I’m also thankful to have a great boss and team in the office that has been very supportive of my work arrangement, even though it has surely inconvenienced them on occasion. Any credit for my continued sanity and joy in the present circumstances, and any accomplishment to speak of, goes to them.